My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
How about I get 100% off by already being there
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go