I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Pigeon open mic night.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone