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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Jogging
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Festive toon…
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
*feels the wind in my toe hair
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it