Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it