only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The future is now.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it