Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You Might Also Like
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Meowchelangelo
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Can’t. Being lazy.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.