Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
What?!?