[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Batman v Dracula
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*