*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
There is no “we” in pizza
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
new year update: losing everything but weight
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.