Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Any refunds available?…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
is this a warning or an offer?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Still laughing at this stupid meme
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.