Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
#titanic
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”