i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”