starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
We decided to have money instead of children.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
12. I think about this all the damn time
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon