McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.