Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?