*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
You Might Also Like
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.