The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Feels like the fourth month in January
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain