[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I鈥檓 going to be a pi帽ata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I鈥檓 in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
It鈥檚 cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn鈥檛 pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.