Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.