Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
You Might Also Like
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.