“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.