ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I’m calling the cops.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”