God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Meat Cute