Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
selena gomez
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?