Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I
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KW
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DR
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NP
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑