Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You Might Also Like
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Breaking news:
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED