After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If snakes were wide
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
umm…