My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.