Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”