Spider-cat: No One Home
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.