“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.