Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.