If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
You Might Also Like
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing