I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card