Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.