It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.