[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.