me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
You Might Also Like
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win