Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.