I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
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joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I don’t think my car can fly
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
who wants to go expliring
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table