I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.