You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.