Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together