Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
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She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*power walks to the refrigerator*