Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Can’t stop laughing
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.