Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in