“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.