Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?