Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?