Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
we’re gonna need another temp
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Worst Native American name ever.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.